World Cup Predictions

Prologue to Blog 27

“There is no way the World Cup trophy is leaving South Africa. Remember back in 1995 when Nelson Mandela attended the first match and South Africa won the Rugby World Cup? Remember back when we hosted the African Cup of Nations, Mandela was there and guess what? We won! Now Mandela will come to the opening match again. I swear to you he brings God on our side, South Africa will win the World Cup!” – One of the principals at one of the schools I work with.

On to Blog 27

Geeze all this talk about what the historical significance of the World Cup, the economic disparities of the World Cup, the culture, the excitement, but no talk about the sport itself? Come on people we’re still talking about soccer here! I guess talking about the greatness of sports is a bit of a moot point if you didn’t at least talk about it a little bit. Well here we go. It’s impossible to make accurate predictions. Things in sports can change on a whim, BAM just like that, so who’s got that fire? Who’s got that drive? Who’s got that chip on their shoulder and make those statements of “Oh man no one believed in us but we believed in ourselves and we fought through and persevered and we ate so much protein after our works out because no one believed in us but we believed in ourselves and we fought through and persevered while eating a lot of protein after our work outs, WOOO YEAH!!!PROTEIN!!!” Okay, settle down there roid rage. Try not to pull a maradonna and get caught doing a line of coke in the locker room after one of the games okay? Diego Maradonana if you are reading this, just know that I’m joking, and why are you reading my blog don’t you have a team to coach? Here comes a breakdown of every group of the World Cup my predictions of who will win and how each team can do. I’m just hoping I won’t have a repeat of last time in which I was watching so much soccer when someone bumped into me on the street I flailed my arms in the air, fell down, and claimed there was a penalty.

Group A – South Africa, Mexico, Uruguay, France

Ah here they are, Bafana Bafana against the rest of these teams. Unlike the quote at the top of the page, many people are making quotes such as this, “South Africa will not even make it out of the group stages. They will be lucky if they even win one match.” Damn son, and you were born and raised in this country! So where do I put South Africa on the “no one believes in us but we can succeed because we believe in ourselves no matter what anyone else thinks” scale? Pretty high, and you know what that is actually a great barometer for success. Head coach Carlos Parreira claims this is one of the best groups he has ever worked with. Hearing that from a World Cup winning coach ain’t a bad thing. Go Bafana Go!

Guess who’s doing well in the warm up matches, Mexico. This is a team that only brought 5 midfielders to the tournament, but you know what they have been kicking people’s ass so apparently they are doing something right.

Uruguay has a dude named Diego Forlan. He is a monster. Seriously he scores every time he touches the ball, it’s almost unfair. But this is team game bro and with that creaky midfield of yours getting no passes to you, it seems you won’t be touching the ball often.

A strong storm of conceitedness just entered the country. Ah the French. Les Bleus have arrived. You have no idea how badly I would love to just go around pointing at my hand and head butting every French person I saw. But hey that would be just rude. This is a team that barely qualified for the tournament and quite frankly sucked so bad that a chicken with its head cut off could coach better than Raymond Domenech. This team does not even qualify for the “no one believes in us but we can succeed because we believe in ourselves no matter what anyone else thinks” scale. Want to know why? The second part of the statement needs to be true as well as the first part.

Mexico and South Africa advance, Hasta Uruguay, Au revoir Frenchies

Group B – Argentina, Nigeria, South Korea, Greece

Ah those crazy Argentines. And indeed they are crazy. Let’s be honest during the qualifying campaign they were terrible. But with the forward line they have (Lionel Messi, Carlos Tevez, Diego Milito, Ganzalo Huiguian, Sergio Aguero) how could they not kill everyone even if their coach is a whack job?

Nigeria a side that is just not very creative, not because they’re African, but they just are not a creative side and the loss of John Obi Mikel does not help them out one bit.

South Korea has the ability to surprise some people it looks like. They have the skilled and steady Ji Sung Park amongst another world class talents. Watch out for the Koreans in this one.

Greece, the 2004 European champions much like their home country, have a lot of problems to contend with.

Argentina and South Korea advance, Greece and Nigeria are eliminated

Group C – England, USA, Slovenia, Algeria

England v USA a match that I will be attending is going to be crazy. Crazier than Lady Gaga? Yeah probably crazier than Lady Gaga. The English are a strong side, and probably have what it takes to win it. Many people have them tipped as favorites and that bodes problems sometimes when using the “no one believes in us but we can succeed because we believe in ourselves no matter what anyone else thinks” scale and right now they are on the lower end of it. But on sheer weakness of the group they should do fairly well.

USA USA USA!!! This is an interesting team because often times the team itself is quick to exclaim “no on believes in us but we can succeed because we believe in ourselves no matter what anyone else thinks”. See now they say this often, but does anyone actually think that? No it seems that plenty of people in the USA see this as a fairly decent squad. So when it comes to the scale they are not that high on it which might bode problems in the later rounds.

I tried to find Slovenia on a map but failed, am I retarded?

Algeria? Should have been Egypt…. Jerks. Let’s go fight some b!t&h$ and riot somewhere.

England and USA advance

Group D – Germany, Australia, Serbia, Ghana

The German supporters came to South Africa en masse! Wait oh you were already here? Oh so you were already travelling for 3 months around the country. I see. Well uhhh Go Deutschland. Jeeze Germans travel faster and farther than the swine flu man. Oh and I guess even without Michael Ballack they still have one of the most balanced sides.

Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi. I better hear that at least twice during the game between them and Serbia. Because I won’t be hearing it during the later rounds that’s for sure.

Serbia, I hear it’s cold there and that Nemanja Vidic is out for blood. Well he’s Serbian what did you expect? Pretty decent squad but they don’t really believe it when they tell themselves “no one believes in us but we can succeed because we believe in ourselves no matter what anyone else thinks” no, not one bit you overconfident people you.

I will be supporting the blackstars when I attend their game against Serbia. (How did I get 2 Serbia games, not by choice, trust me.) They got that “holy crap we’re playing a World Cup on African soil” look in their eye. Never mind that Michael Essien is out, they gonna show some people that they are true stars.

Germany and Ghana advance

Group E – Netherlands, Denmark, Japan, Cameroon

The Dutch, first European settlers of South Africa… At least I think that’s true. No team possesses a more dynamic team than the Dutch, except for maybe Argentina and maybe Spain. They’re pretty exciting to watch, wait Arjen Robben is injured? Well that’s not good, but things should be alright.

Bentdner I really like you as a player but come on man you can’t just pull your pants down outside of a club and wag your wang around, it’s just… unprofessional. But I guess that’s what the Danish do.

I really like Japan, I think they can surprise some people, with their statements of being able to make the final four while no one believes them, it solidifies them at the top of the “no one believes in us but we can succeed because we believe in ourselves no matter what anyone else thinks” scale.

Too bad Cameroon got that “holy crap we’re playing a World Cup on African soil” look in their eye. And in this case, it trumps the scale.

Netherlands and Cameroon advance

Group F – Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia

The Azzuri are a squad that everyone doubts. Pretty high on the we’re the only ones that believe in ourselves and no one else does scale. But you know what, Italian fans have a way of stopping the doubt when the team starts winning and then claim they always supported them. Weather pretty fair up there huh? Lucky they are in a weak group, because without Cassano and Pirlo they are as creative as a person that is really uncreative.

Paraguay crushed fools in the qualifiers. They are pretty good. Roque Santa Cruz has a chip on his shoulder so big that you could use it as currency in the Bellagio.

New Zealand…. better stick to rugby

Slovakia? How did they get here?

Italy and Paraguay Advance

Group G – Brazil, Portugal, Cote d’Ivoire, North Korea

The Brazilians are out to avenge their lack luster World Cup Campaign in 2006 when, let’s face it, sucked. But with Kaka leading the line anything is possible.

Who is this Portuguese dude with hair gel and keeps falling down every time someone even breathes on him.

Oh that’s Cristiano Ronaldo? Overrated. Portugal struggled in their qualifying campaign and will struggle in the group of death.

The Ivory Coast was dealt a huge injury blow with the likes of Didier Drogba being out indefinitely. But hey the rest of their team isn’t bad, and definitely have that “holy crap we’re playing a World Cup on African soil” look to them so trust me they got this.

Now this is a crazy one. North Korea! They are so secretive I don't even know what a North Korean looks like. You know those black and white movies you see of North Korea? Well it's not the film, I hear they are so evil they actually don't have any color.

Brazil and Cote d’Ivoire advance

Group H – Spain, Switzerland, Chile, Honduras

Spain is Spain and trust me that’s a good thing. They have one of the most fluid squads in the world, problem is they have no depth in their attack. Better hope Torres does not get injured or there could be trouble.

Think that Spain, Chile, Honduras is talking smack about Switzerland in Spanish? Yeah they probably are.

Chile and Honduras…. I won’t even try to explain anything about these teams, except Chile is the better of the two.

Spain and Chile advance

Obviously the romantic thing to do would be to pick an African team to win on African soil. That would really show the world that African football has arrived and has come so far since the old days. Not sure really. With all the injury problems that the African nations are having it just does not seem they will have the extra push in the later rounds to pull it off. No doubt it will be a great moment if it did happen

But you know what, I’m gonna do it, yeah it, this is what it is

Winner – Ghana

African country in Africa, I had to