Who’s the best attacking player in the world?
A. Lionel Messi
B. Christiano Ronaldo
C. Ricardo Kaka
D. Gianluigi Buffon
If you said D, then you’re just silly (he’s a goalkeeper). And don’t say B either. Just don’t.
Want to know the consensus amongst South African soccer fans to the above question? It’ll shock you but it goes a little something like this: Sem Venuti fin qua! Sem Venuti fin qua! Per vedere segnare KAKA!!!! (It’s Italian, yeah yeah, Zulu, Italian what’s the difference, and don’t say plenty, because I know that already) That’s right Ricky Kaka (yes, haha, get it out of your system, “kaka”, real funny) Not only is he a beast and has the magic ability of making Manchester United defenders crash into each other, but he just might be able to pass the “could he be a South African test”. Question 1: Does he love Jesus? He once talk off his jersey after scoring a goal and had a shirt on that said “I belong to Jesus” so yes. Question 2: Does he believe in the inclusivity of diversity? He’s seen as a white person who plays on a Brazilian team who are mostly dark skinned, so that has lots of appeal in the post apartheid era, check on that. Question 3: Would he be able to outlast you in a drinking contest? If you were drinking liquor and if he was drinking water and you didn’t realize he was, then yeah, sharp sharp. Last question: Would he be able to discipline women when they fall out of line? He smokes Inter Milan defenders who are more or less little girls as a way of teaching them a lesson so on that spin yes. See he’s an awesome player and might as well be a South African.
They were playing a team whose manager is one of the best tacticians in the world. They had 3 of their best defenders out of action. Their best player plays with his left foot but writes with his right hand (seriously how does this happen?). The bets are in. Manchester United are 9 to 1 favorites to defeat them in the Champions League final. It seems so clear, can’t you see the future? A team brimming with confidence after a 5 – 1 aggregate defeat of one of their closest English rivals in the semi-finals and another team who was only there on a desperate last gasp chance at the death. And what happens? MANCHESTER LOSE HAHAHAH!!! EAT IT FERGUSON!!
Man what a pointless and hateful paragraph.
Soccer mania (and yes they call it soccer down here rather than football) has overtaken South Africa. It’s kinda crazy. The Champions League has finished and South Africa’s favorite team has been defeated. Wait why would they be excited about that? Well…. I’m not sure; I guess it’s just me who’s excited. But never fear the next tournament is on its way! I have seriously underestimated the appeal of international soccer to some people. And when I mean international soccer I don’t mean just Spanish announcers screaming “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!!!” for 47 seconds, I mean different countries playing each other. You might think I’m talking about the World Cup and I guess I am, but no, I’m talking about the Confederations Cup beginning 13 June (or something like that, I don’t know, get a tv guide or something) held right here in South Africa. The festival of international champions. I thought this was some joke tournament, but apparently it is not, as the attending teams are bringing their A sides out to dance. In retrospect, 7 dollars to attend a game now seems like a good price. Perhaps I should have gotten tickets, but seriously we all know New Zealand is going to win. If they do then I will look like a genius. Let’s hope they don’t suck! But more importantly let’s hope the South African national team, also called Bafana Bafana (literal translation: boys boys) don’t suck or then I’ll have some very angry people to contend with.
Oh well, But don’t worry, I got my international soccer saved up for something special, something magnificent, something so crazy and funky it makes you say, “Damn! That’s funky!” I may have mentioned this before (but I probably have not) but I did it. Yeah “it” (not sex you pervert) I got tickets to the World Cup!!! WOO!! Take that establishment! Everyone said I couldn’t do it, or there are too many people trying to get them you won’t get them. Who are these people? Well I guess no one technically said that, but whatever… shut up! Capetown, Pretoria, Nelspruit, Johannesburg, 4 weeks, 9 games, 4 cities = Alex Tran’s wild World Cup adventure! Chance of being mugged: very high, but chance of awesomeness: would be really high, if not for the very high chance of being mugged, so I guess I’ll put it at very high as well rather than another level of highness. But I may have to sell some tickets because people that are coming to visit during the World Cup want to go on safari. Oh boo to safari. All you do is see a bunch of animals. You can easily see animals at the zoo while caged in a totally unnatural habitat as they slowly go insane while plotting their own escape or suicides for being stuck in a 20’ x 20’ square deemed “similar to my real home back in the jungle”. Come on, that would be a lot more rewarding I think. Anyway, tickets are selling out fast, at record pace according to FIFA. Better cross your fingers and hope we’re out of a recession by that time because money may be hard to come by and you might not have enough money to get to South Africa. Ah but remember the normal soccer fan is more than willing to sell a kidney to see their favorite teams live, if you’re not, then you ain’t livin.
Till next time
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